It was a long beautiful night. My studies for the exam were going on. I was happy as I slept, thinking of how easily I had solved difficult questions that night and it was also the day when I had restarted my studies with a vision to be among the toppers in the country. Before that whenever I tried to study hard some bad news always came to me. So I slept in the content that the day ended good. It was around 2:00 am when the phone rang. It was a call from my dad and he immediately asked to hand it over to mom. My mom was taken aback from what she had heard on the phone. She handed it over to my elder brother who has a very strong emotional control or maybe detachment. I asked her what happened. She didn't tell what happened exactly. But her voice had an uncanny, distressed emotions in them. I knew for sure that this news maybe worse than any news I had heard before. My brother then told me, our dearest uncle died a sudden death. That is how I remember the first death news of my life. I remember it instant to instant actually. Its still so fresh, like a wound which wouldn't heal. Those few moments and all the subsequent event on that day took all the enthusiasm and life of me. It was as if someone took a hammer and was blowing on head again and again and again.
It was horrifying.
The subsequent days were the worst. I couldn't believe it is not anymore possible to hear him, see him and hug him. I miss my mentor, a great friend and a person whom I can talk all my pain and ask all my questions. He was the person I had most love for. Many times I cried alone. Cursing God for all the bad happenings of my life, which never seemed to end for my little heart...
Well so were those days.
Death a disguised friend...
Days passed. The pain was getting unforgettable. Each morning I woke, the first thought was of my uncle, I dreamed of him in sleeps usually waking up frustrated and depressed. I also remember an instance when I cried in the sleep as I dreamed of him. My pillow was all wet and I felt the dried tear trails around my eyes.
I was completely frustrated as days went on. I was frustrated to feel sad. I wanted to get out of it. one day finally, this all was unbearable and I decided to get out of it and that day my revival started. Various sources started coming to my life. It felt like Life wanted me to get back up on my feet. These were the days of my Resurrection.
First came the speeches of Swami Anubhavananda. His speeches on guided mediation and Yoga Of Self Control started the process of deep cleansing my mind. Certainly I felt peace of mind and whenever his memories came I was not affected by them.
Second, and the best thing that ever happened to me was , I started writing all my pain, ambitions, frustration in poems and huge essays in my diary. As my condition improved, I started seeing more faith and beauty in life. I found I no more wrote of pain and depression and started writing on the beauty that GOD presented in my life. Well, actually, saying 'I write/wrote', is totally wrong for me to say. When I write, I am no more me. The world doesn't matter to me. I am in my world of endless thought, dreams and beauty but still with absolute peace of mind. It may seem surreal, but I am lost and all my senses seem to be shut down. And after the article or poem or essay is completed, I am amazed by the fact that I wrote it.Its seems magical!
Other things were too many good books, for instance 'You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay' , 'The Alchemist and Warrior Of Light by Paulo Coelho', You Can Win, Message Of Swami Vivekananda, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, The Present, World's Greatest Comebacks,Life Changers: Dreamers and Doers, Believe In God Who Believes In You and many more. They all made me an avid reader and writer. I love life and living it. Well my wounds are not yet completely healed but they have shown the beauty of this life, like never before and had made me more curious about life.
Death is a friend, embrace it
We all have to see our dear ones die. It is irreplaceable truth of life. And we all have to change the way we live after it. You can't hold onto the attachments for the person. Death as I found is a gift in disguise. You lose all your hatred for the sins of that person and mourn his/her absence. The hatred doesn't matter anymore. Death takes you on a journey of healing and redemption. No experience can teach so many things as death does. It's true that death doesn't do justice and always knock unexpectedly leaving us stalemate. but that's the specialty and beauty. We don;t have to face any setbacks before they are to happen. And everything that comes unexpectedly eventually seems beautiful.
So my friend ask yourself, Am I still holding on to that prejudices and ego for the person I say I hate? If it is so tell yourself to give it up. Because when death knock their door, it will leave you more guard less than them and all you will do is regret for every moment you hated or hurt that person. Life is to live my friend. It is to share joys. Well, the attachment will bring more pain but certainly they will give you a feeling that you did justice to the person by giving him/her love.
Death also tell us 'Friend, there is someone beside you holding your hand when I am visiting your dear one.Don't hurt them because it will leave you wounds not them at the end. Love them ,hug them, tell them you love them, maybe even tomorrow you may not get a chance to do so. Live life, my friend, live life!It is an opportunity.'
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